Artwork

So since I completed my Sketchbook Project 2012 book I've been continuing on with painting and playing with multimedia animal portraits.

This was my first coloured pencil and watercolour piece. On 140lb cold press watercolour paper.

This was another watercolour and pencil portrait for a friend of my sisters.

This is my most recent, with the addition of Micron pen to the process. And my most dynamic scene yet. At least I'm trying to improve and keep busy in the midst of an unreal stress load.

I should mention that all images are the exclusive property of me, and cannot be used or reproduced without express written permission.

I am a terrible blogger

I've been at my "new" job for 9 months now. Almost long enough to make a baby, so one would think I would have posted about what I'm doing in that time. Alas, as I mentioned in the title of this post, I am a TERRIBLE blogger. I'm also not a great telemarketer, which is what I do "out of the home" now for 20-24 hours a week. I call hapless homeowners and offer them a "free mortgage analysis." I get hung up on a lot, cursed at more than one would expect, and occasionally have great conversations. I've only recently started to really make "leads" at good rates. But I keep at it. And I've met some truly wonderful people that I really like seeing most days in the week. More importantly than what is making me money, is what else I've been doing. I joined the 2012 Sketchbook Project and am almost done (right before deadline) with my sketchbook. It will be going on a multi-country tour after I send it back to the Art House Coop and will eventually be archived in the Brooklyn Art Museum. I've really stretched and stressed myself with this project and am quite proud of a lot of the work I've come up with so far. I'm finally being artistically creative on a regular basis again. While I've been stretching my artistic wings, V is getting hers. I cannot believe this butterfly of a child I am so blessed to have in my life. Her vocabulary and abilities are growing by leaps and bounds every single day. And I get to have cuddles with her every single morning, every single night, in the middle of the night, before and after her nap... I couldn't ask for more. My parents watch her while I'm at work and that requires a strange living arrangement, but we are managing. I just wish I could spend more time at home. On a totally shallow and inappropriate note, I'm thinking about shaving part of my head. I like the renewal of that old punk style and some people have pulled it off as sort of classy. Although I'm sure if I tried I'd look pathetic. Anyway, I shall try to be a less terrible blogger and get back into the swing of writing, not just drawing and painting and cooking and cleaning and breastfeeding and tickling a toddler. LOL :)

Going Back to Work

As of this coming Monday, I am going back to work part-time at a call center. I am glad I will be providing to the financial situation, but I'm also terrified and stressed.

I know that this will probably be much less problematic than I think it is going to be, but the transition is hard. Very hard for me.

And I need to figure out child care situations, also very hard.

This is hard.

Stress, stress, more stress...

So I call myself "batcrap crazy" on a regular basis, which may be ableist. All I know is sometimes, life hurts so much that the alternatives seem inviting.

Yes, I just "said" that out into the internet.

"the alternatives seem inviting."

As in "not life."

As in "death."

Yes. I have suicidal idealization. Often.

I have for as long as I can remember. I honestly cannot think of a day I haven't considered "not being here." And yet, I am still here. I don't know if that means I'm strong, or not strong enough. All I know is that at this moment, there is something so much more important than my stress to think of, and that is V.

I don't ever want her to feel like my life is her obligation. I want her to know that I am so truly blessed to be gifted the opportunity to watch her discover the world. I am enchanted by every new word or sign or silly game.

But she isn't all that keeps me here. It isn't fair to put my continued existence entirely in her tiny lap. I love those seasonal milestones. The cry of an excited crow. The hot weight of my cat in the wee hours. I doubt those things come with you in the next dimension.

I may wonder and dream of that redhot finality. But I stay here. I feel the tears and the shame and the fear and I battle through. I always have. And I keep going. I stare at the walls in the hours you slumber and I map my pain and wish I could paint my nightmares so you could see them. But I stay. Because I love.

I am flawed and flayed and scared and scarred. But I love.

Am I loved?

I know V loves me, today. I hope that she knows that she is loved, and can love with conviction, because that is a gift.

The Husband says he loves me. Does he love himself enough to love me? I can't know that.

But I love.

Love you.

Stay here.

Breathing.

Loving.

Living.

Confused, Stressed, Tired

I should really get V up since it is edging toward 11:00AM, but I just can't right yet. I managed to clean and start the pellet stove, make coffee, vacuum the living room, feed the cats and take my allergy medication, and that's about it. I had applied for the perfect job last week and have not heard anything since Thursday night after what seemed like promising email responses. Part of the application was friending a dog on Facebook and I'm afraid something on my personal page offended the potential employer. I would like to think that is not the case, but I'm so desperate for a job that enables me to utilize my parents as child care, and continue to be V's primary care-giver, that I over analyze everything. I had also applied for a very intensive office manager position at a local college, and have heard nothing from them either.

Had another night of almost no sleep until the hours between 5:00AM and 9:00AM. I look like a sloth to the rest of the world I'm sure, until you factor in my insomnia. And I should be feeling better about our situation. A friend will likely be moving into our guest room by this summer, which will help in so many ways. But in the mean time we are once again falling further and further behind.

I'm overwhelmed by my personal stress and the anxiety of the bigger world. As a woman and mother I am constantly feeling attacked by the ultra-conservative anti-woman, anti-choice, anti-minority government and abandoned by the politicians for whom I voted.

The world is in chaos and I feel as though I have absolutely no safe space to find solace.

So I donated a can of cat food to the very pregnant stray that wanders through our yard because she's going to need the extra calories very soon. I won't feed her again for months. And I'm having my coffee which doesn't help, but at least it warms me. And soon my baby will be up and wanting cuddles and to watch her sign language dvds and play with her toys and her kitties. And the day will go on in spite of me.

Affidavit: Rapoport homicide charges

Thank you

V wanted to go outside to see birdies. And this happened...

Thank you my Darling, for keeping Mama connected.