Stress, stress, more stress...

So I call myself "batcrap crazy" on a regular basis, which may be ableist. All I know is sometimes, life hurts so much that the alternatives seem inviting.

Yes, I just "said" that out into the internet.

"the alternatives seem inviting."

As in "not life."

As in "death."

Yes. I have suicidal idealization. Often.

I have for as long as I can remember. I honestly cannot think of a day I haven't considered "not being here." And yet, I am still here. I don't know if that means I'm strong, or not strong enough. All I know is that at this moment, there is something so much more important than my stress to think of, and that is V.

I don't ever want her to feel like my life is her obligation. I want her to know that I am so truly blessed to be gifted the opportunity to watch her discover the world. I am enchanted by every new word or sign or silly game.

But she isn't all that keeps me here. It isn't fair to put my continued existence entirely in her tiny lap. I love those seasonal milestones. The cry of an excited crow. The hot weight of my cat in the wee hours. I doubt those things come with you in the next dimension.

I may wonder and dream of that redhot finality. But I stay here. I feel the tears and the shame and the fear and I battle through. I always have. And I keep going. I stare at the walls in the hours you slumber and I map my pain and wish I could paint my nightmares so you could see them. But I stay. Because I love.

I am flawed and flayed and scared and scarred. But I love.

Am I loved?

I know V loves me, today. I hope that she knows that she is loved, and can love with conviction, because that is a gift.

The Husband says he loves me. Does he love himself enough to love me? I can't know that.

But I love.

Love you.

Stay here.

Breathing.

Loving.

Living.

Confused, Stressed, Tired

I should really get V up since it is edging toward 11:00AM, but I just can't right yet. I managed to clean and start the pellet stove, make coffee, vacuum the living room, feed the cats and take my allergy medication, and that's about it. I had applied for the perfect job last week and have not heard anything since Thursday night after what seemed like promising email responses. Part of the application was friending a dog on Facebook and I'm afraid something on my personal page offended the potential employer. I would like to think that is not the case, but I'm so desperate for a job that enables me to utilize my parents as child care, and continue to be V's primary care-giver, that I over analyze everything. I had also applied for a very intensive office manager position at a local college, and have heard nothing from them either.

Had another night of almost no sleep until the hours between 5:00AM and 9:00AM. I look like a sloth to the rest of the world I'm sure, until you factor in my insomnia. And I should be feeling better about our situation. A friend will likely be moving into our guest room by this summer, which will help in so many ways. But in the mean time we are once again falling further and further behind.

I'm overwhelmed by my personal stress and the anxiety of the bigger world. As a woman and mother I am constantly feeling attacked by the ultra-conservative anti-woman, anti-choice, anti-minority government and abandoned by the politicians for whom I voted.

The world is in chaos and I feel as though I have absolutely no safe space to find solace.

So I donated a can of cat food to the very pregnant stray that wanders through our yard because she's going to need the extra calories very soon. I won't feed her again for months. And I'm having my coffee which doesn't help, but at least it warms me. And soon my baby will be up and wanting cuddles and to watch her sign language dvds and play with her toys and her kitties. And the day will go on in spite of me.

Affidavit: Rapoport homicide charges

Thank you

V wanted to go outside to see birdies. And this happened...

Thank you my Darling, for keeping Mama connected.

Sometimes all you can do is light a candle

Lower Macungie woman reported missing, possibly endangered

Missing woman's death ruled homicide

Homicide victim's family establishes memorial fund to benefit animals

I'm having a very hard time processing Jenn's murder.  Both my husband and I have really fond memories of such a sweet person who we really liked and wanted to kick my co-worker for breaking up with her.  I could have easily become really good friends with Jenn had the situation been different. It doesn't help my ability to digest this that she was going to go to her first pregnancy ultrasound the morning after she disappeared. Apparently she was really excited about being pregnant. All the authorities will say is that her killing was "not random." What a cold description for a life violently destroyed. "not random." They said that the public at large is not in danger. What kind of statement is that? 

Tonight when my husband got home from work I almost immediately asked him if I could just take a shower by myself, if he could watch V and I could take a shower. We have limited resources so I avoid using the hot water as much as possible, but I just needed a shower. Of course he said yes. I pulled out the body wash I haven't used in years because it isn't made anymore, and I love the smell but want to keep it for "special." I thought it would make me feel better. I even used it in my hair. I listened to Pandora radio really loud and "What a Wonderful World" played twice in the time I was in the shower. First the Louis Armstrong version, then the Israel “IZ” Kamakawiwo’ole version just a few songs later. I put my forehead against the side of my shower, cupped my hands around the side of my face and just cried. But it feels like the dark is stuck in my throat and the sobs won't, can't move it. It feels like I don't have the right to grieve a woman I barely knew and haven't seen in years.  It feels like I've brought my daughter into a very dark world where nothing is safe and I don't know how to protect her.

I wanted to do a cleansing/protecting/keep everything out type ceremony today or tonight to capture the strength of the change of season and make myself feel more active and less passive. All I could do was sit outside while V collected twigs and I burned them in a small cast iron cauldron under my ancient maple tree and watched the smoke drift less aimlessly than I feel.  I wondered briefly if she is really "at peace" or if she exists at all anymore.  All I do know is that her potential is gone.  Her baby's potential is gone.  At least in this life. 

I talked to my mother this afternoon. We both have had murderous impulses where would could actually feel physically how it would feel to make that killing blow. I got two thirds of the way up the staircase with the antique chef's knife in my hand before turning around and putting it carefully away so no one would know I had taken it. But we had good reasons for wanting that person dead.  There can't be a good reason for Jenn's death.  My mother pointed out that the killer had a reason, we just don't know what it is, and we won't agree with it, but that person believed it was valid.  And if I can, I should try to find some bit of compassion for that person.  Knowing I can't, she will do it for me.  This is where I stumble in the Seven Principles of Unitarian Universalism.  I can't find Inherent Worth and Dignity in a person who would do this.  That's the first Principle.  Seems I start out stumbling...

Right now I don't know how to catch myself, which makes me feel more guilty because this shouldn't be about me.  I'm not the victim.  I barely knew Jenn.  I hadn't thought of her in ages. Ironically I had recently flashed on a memory of her at our Halloween party several years ago, she wore a very sexy bustier... Now I'm wondering when I thought that, was she alive? I can't remember when I remembered her, I only know I did. And now, that's all I can do.

I lit a candle this morning and said her name to a room full of people who didn't know her. Now at least they will know her name.  It is a symbol, a figment, a wisp.  Please let it be something. After I lit the candle, I posted to facebook the only thing I could think of. 

"Sometimes all you can do is light a candle.  Sometimes that is enough."

Is this some time? Because I don't feel like there is enough.

But I'm going to say her name to you. And maybe you will remember it, and with it a bit of her. A sweet, kind, generous young woman who loved animals and was excited to be a new mother.

Jennifer Lindsay Snyder should not be forgotten.

"More More More More"

I am having one of those days.  I am trying to revise (again, for the umpteenth time) my resume and craft a fantabulous cover letter to illustrate exactly how my varied skills make me the perfect candidate for an office manager position at a college.  In the mean time, V has decided that she absolutely needs me right now all the time RIGHT NOW and is not only nursing like crazy (teething much?) but also climbing all over me, the furniture, the dining room table and the cats.  Darling Hubby had made lots of promises about having the weekend to do "stuff" and then went off to work on his landscaping gig ALL DAY.  And of course V has not napped and keeps shouting "MORE MORE MORE MORE" in my ear. 

I have HAD IT!

I know this moment will pass and I will have the mommy guilt in spades, but right now at this moment in time, I want the Goblin King to come and take this child away RIGHT NOW!

No really, I do.  I am sick to my stomach with the frustration and contained GRRR that I am trying to not show her.  I know she's just being a teething, exploring toddler and doesn't mean to drive Mama into a long walk off a short pier.  In fact, she's a wonderful exceptional child that I am totally in love with, but right now, I want a shower, a third huge mug of coffee and a BREAK!

And people wonder why I'm not firing off a dozen applications at a time.  Because it has taken me FIVE HOURS to get halfway through one cover letter. *sob*

Frustrated, Tired, and Silly

I need to get a job.  It is no secret that Hubby and I are, and have been, in serious financial difficulty.  I have been applying off an on for over a year and keeping an eye on the job postings at CareerBuilder.com looking for anything in my field(s) that is part-time and not too taxing.  I want to use the bulk of my brain power in taking care of V.

I had a really wonderful and heartening interview last week at a local wireless retailer.  I felt very strongly that I was going to be offered the position.

I have called the store five times, left two messages for the manager and have received no response.  I guess I'm to believe I will not be offered the position.

On top of a whole lot of other stresses in my life, this rejection without the decency to actually tell me that I was not what they wanted (after I was clearly told I was exactly what they wanted) sent me into a bit of a tailspin.  I always teeter on the edge of depression and keep my claws dug into sanity, but I couldn't hold on anymore for a few days this week.  I stopped painting, I couldn't figure out what to cook for dinner, and I went on a crazy scrubbing spree on the kitchen (okay that's not a bad thing).  I also couldn't write or clearly express my depression at how this turned out.  I am 35-years-old and have been out of the job force for a little over a year and a half.  And I'm a mother.  A mother of a toddler.  I'm not an engineer or mechanical professional, my degree is a BA.  In this economic environment I am almost unhireable.  Even my mother, who does hire people, admits that mothers of young children are discriminated against all the time. 

I revise my resume at least weekly and have it saved to CareerBuilder.com and weed through the scams that get sent to my email almost daily.  I make my searches and applications when I can in between diaper changes, colouring, baths, playing with blocks and dolls, picking up cats, and cat puke, doing the dishes/laundry/litter boxes, reading Dr. Seuss, watching sign language dvds, checking the news, writing to congress/the President/NY Times, signing petitions, breaking up cat fights, getting V down for a nap, trying to get her to eat something other than raisins, and occasionally crying.

And yet, I feel all the time as though I am not doing enough.  I know I'm not contributing the financial security of my household, but I am basically running the household, but that's not enough.

But V is silly a lot, and that brings smiles to my super tired face.

Bringing a baby doll, Sally Rag Doll and two satin drawstring bags, to bed.