Affidavit: Rapoport homicide charges

Thank you

V wanted to go outside to see birdies. And this happened...

Thank you my Darling, for keeping Mama connected.

Sometimes all you can do is light a candle

Lower Macungie woman reported missing, possibly endangered

Missing woman's death ruled homicide

Homicide victim's family establishes memorial fund to benefit animals

I'm having a very hard time processing Jenn's murder.  Both my husband and I have really fond memories of such a sweet person who we really liked and wanted to kick my co-worker for breaking up with her.  I could have easily become really good friends with Jenn had the situation been different. It doesn't help my ability to digest this that she was going to go to her first pregnancy ultrasound the morning after she disappeared. Apparently she was really excited about being pregnant. All the authorities will say is that her killing was "not random." What a cold description for a life violently destroyed. "not random." They said that the public at large is not in danger. What kind of statement is that? 

Tonight when my husband got home from work I almost immediately asked him if I could just take a shower by myself, if he could watch V and I could take a shower. We have limited resources so I avoid using the hot water as much as possible, but I just needed a shower. Of course he said yes. I pulled out the body wash I haven't used in years because it isn't made anymore, and I love the smell but want to keep it for "special." I thought it would make me feel better. I even used it in my hair. I listened to Pandora radio really loud and "What a Wonderful World" played twice in the time I was in the shower. First the Louis Armstrong version, then the Israel “IZ” Kamakawiwo’ole version just a few songs later. I put my forehead against the side of my shower, cupped my hands around the side of my face and just cried. But it feels like the dark is stuck in my throat and the sobs won't, can't move it. It feels like I don't have the right to grieve a woman I barely knew and haven't seen in years.  It feels like I've brought my daughter into a very dark world where nothing is safe and I don't know how to protect her.

I wanted to do a cleansing/protecting/keep everything out type ceremony today or tonight to capture the strength of the change of season and make myself feel more active and less passive. All I could do was sit outside while V collected twigs and I burned them in a small cast iron cauldron under my ancient maple tree and watched the smoke drift less aimlessly than I feel.  I wondered briefly if she is really "at peace" or if she exists at all anymore.  All I do know is that her potential is gone.  Her baby's potential is gone.  At least in this life. 

I talked to my mother this afternoon. We both have had murderous impulses where would could actually feel physically how it would feel to make that killing blow. I got two thirds of the way up the staircase with the antique chef's knife in my hand before turning around and putting it carefully away so no one would know I had taken it. But we had good reasons for wanting that person dead.  There can't be a good reason for Jenn's death.  My mother pointed out that the killer had a reason, we just don't know what it is, and we won't agree with it, but that person believed it was valid.  And if I can, I should try to find some bit of compassion for that person.  Knowing I can't, she will do it for me.  This is where I stumble in the Seven Principles of Unitarian Universalism.  I can't find Inherent Worth and Dignity in a person who would do this.  That's the first Principle.  Seems I start out stumbling...

Right now I don't know how to catch myself, which makes me feel more guilty because this shouldn't be about me.  I'm not the victim.  I barely knew Jenn.  I hadn't thought of her in ages. Ironically I had recently flashed on a memory of her at our Halloween party several years ago, she wore a very sexy bustier... Now I'm wondering when I thought that, was she alive? I can't remember when I remembered her, I only know I did. And now, that's all I can do.

I lit a candle this morning and said her name to a room full of people who didn't know her. Now at least they will know her name.  It is a symbol, a figment, a wisp.  Please let it be something. After I lit the candle, I posted to facebook the only thing I could think of. 

"Sometimes all you can do is light a candle.  Sometimes that is enough."

Is this some time? Because I don't feel like there is enough.

But I'm going to say her name to you. And maybe you will remember it, and with it a bit of her. A sweet, kind, generous young woman who loved animals and was excited to be a new mother.

Jennifer Lindsay Snyder should not be forgotten.

"More More More More"

I am having one of those days.  I am trying to revise (again, for the umpteenth time) my resume and craft a fantabulous cover letter to illustrate exactly how my varied skills make me the perfect candidate for an office manager position at a college.  In the mean time, V has decided that she absolutely needs me right now all the time RIGHT NOW and is not only nursing like crazy (teething much?) but also climbing all over me, the furniture, the dining room table and the cats.  Darling Hubby had made lots of promises about having the weekend to do "stuff" and then went off to work on his landscaping gig ALL DAY.  And of course V has not napped and keeps shouting "MORE MORE MORE MORE" in my ear. 

I have HAD IT!

I know this moment will pass and I will have the mommy guilt in spades, but right now at this moment in time, I want the Goblin King to come and take this child away RIGHT NOW!

No really, I do.  I am sick to my stomach with the frustration and contained GRRR that I am trying to not show her.  I know she's just being a teething, exploring toddler and doesn't mean to drive Mama into a long walk off a short pier.  In fact, she's a wonderful exceptional child that I am totally in love with, but right now, I want a shower, a third huge mug of coffee and a BREAK!

And people wonder why I'm not firing off a dozen applications at a time.  Because it has taken me FIVE HOURS to get halfway through one cover letter. *sob*

Frustrated, Tired, and Silly

I need to get a job.  It is no secret that Hubby and I are, and have been, in serious financial difficulty.  I have been applying off an on for over a year and keeping an eye on the job postings at CareerBuilder.com looking for anything in my field(s) that is part-time and not too taxing.  I want to use the bulk of my brain power in taking care of V.

I had a really wonderful and heartening interview last week at a local wireless retailer.  I felt very strongly that I was going to be offered the position.

I have called the store five times, left two messages for the manager and have received no response.  I guess I'm to believe I will not be offered the position.

On top of a whole lot of other stresses in my life, this rejection without the decency to actually tell me that I was not what they wanted (after I was clearly told I was exactly what they wanted) sent me into a bit of a tailspin.  I always teeter on the edge of depression and keep my claws dug into sanity, but I couldn't hold on anymore for a few days this week.  I stopped painting, I couldn't figure out what to cook for dinner, and I went on a crazy scrubbing spree on the kitchen (okay that's not a bad thing).  I also couldn't write or clearly express my depression at how this turned out.  I am 35-years-old and have been out of the job force for a little over a year and a half.  And I'm a mother.  A mother of a toddler.  I'm not an engineer or mechanical professional, my degree is a BA.  In this economic environment I am almost unhireable.  Even my mother, who does hire people, admits that mothers of young children are discriminated against all the time. 

I revise my resume at least weekly and have it saved to CareerBuilder.com and weed through the scams that get sent to my email almost daily.  I make my searches and applications when I can in between diaper changes, colouring, baths, playing with blocks and dolls, picking up cats, and cat puke, doing the dishes/laundry/litter boxes, reading Dr. Seuss, watching sign language dvds, checking the news, writing to congress/the President/NY Times, signing petitions, breaking up cat fights, getting V down for a nap, trying to get her to eat something other than raisins, and occasionally crying.

And yet, I feel all the time as though I am not doing enough.  I know I'm not contributing the financial security of my household, but I am basically running the household, but that's not enough.

But V is silly a lot, and that brings smiles to my super tired face.

Bringing a baby doll, Sally Rag Doll and two satin drawstring bags, to bed.

Watch your mouth!

I am fan of Rescue Ink's facebook page because I really respect what these guys (yes they are all men) are doing.  Today they linked to a youtube video showing a very heartless and abusive shelter administrator and animal control officers.  It was bad, trust me.  I initially wrote a comment supporting Rescue Ink for investigating this act of cruelty and expressing that while black humor is very common in these situations, this particular example was over the top and needed to be investigated.

I went back to the thread later because several people had "liked" my comment (thank you) and started reading other supporters statements.  This is when I started to get angry.  People were rightfully disturbed by the actions of those in the video and emotions were running high, which is to be expected.  However, they were stooping to the lowest methods of expressing themselves and using broad derogatory terms to describe the suspects.  I will quote my response instead of going through this comment by comment...

I'd just like to comment that in addition to the callus comments and harsh handling of the kitten, the one male officer also makes sexually suggestive gestures when he sees the camera, indicative of a hostile work environment.

And I think w...e can all support and appreciate all the effort Rescue Ink is putting into ending this type of behavior without stooping calling the suspects in the video "faggot, fat, ugly...." These are not helpful ways to approach the situation. Whether or not a person is fat, gay or not traditionally attractive has nothing to do with their actions toward animals. I know these situations raise emotions and words sometimes fail us, but we have to be aware of how we are expressing ourselves.

/mommy moment...

Several people have "liked" that comment as well, but I think it needs to be said, that when we are angry it can be hard to watch what we say, but some things are simply not okay ever.  Using "faggot" as a derogatory term for an individual, even if you aren't implying that they are homosexual is NOT OKAY. A "faggot" is a bundle of kindling used to start of a fire, then it became a term for the homosexuals tied around a condemned witch so that they could all burn and go to hell. "Fat and ugly" is NOT OKAY to describe someone with whom you do not agree.  These usages just continue violence and hatred toward people even if that wasn't the original user's intent.

Watch your mouth!

Attempting to paint

a not so great portrait of Ambrose Gallifrey

A not so great portrait of Ambrose Gallifrey

This afternoon I had V painting with her Crayola Tempera paints in the tub, a great place for toddler creativity.  After she was cleaned up and the shower washed down we went on with our day, but there was paint left behind in the pallet I had made up for her.  Tonight I played around with the leftovers on water colour paper with our cat Ambrose as a model.  He left before I was finished and I haven't painted in at least two years, so it is not good.  But it is a start.