Things I Love Thursday

Yet another addition of TILT:

Bac-Os: Yes, Bac-Os. As a vegetarian these little salt balls of soy protein are a guilty pleasure that I refuse to give up.  I add them to almost anything you can think of; salad, mashed potatoes, baked potatoes, green beans, pasta, toast and butter, toast and peanut butter, rice, you name it... It's stupid how much I love these things.  I did try an organic version once, and threw them out.  Can't beat these.

Crime Dramas: I'm a pathetic TV junkie, and I love crime dramas.  I'm currently watching a DVR'ed episode of "The Defenders" as I see if I'm adding another show to my list of favorites along with "Criminal Minds," "Law & Order (SVU & CI)," "CSI," "Lie to Me," and "The Mentalist."

Swype: I can type with Swype on my new Droid 2 and I'm shocked how much I love this input method. It works very well for me, and I like that it lends itself to actually spelling out entire words instead of "text speak" which I hate.  Loving it.

Sexuality and Religion: What's the Connection?: Tyler Clementi's Suicide Must Be A Teachable Moment on Homophobia

Sexuality and Religion: What's the Connection?: Tyler Clementi's Suicide Must Be A Teachable Moment on Homophobia

The Bronx Zoo

On Sunday September 26th, hubby, baby girl and I joined friends and new people on an annual trip to the Bronx Zoo.  I am a fan of good zoos as a source of research, conservation and sometimes reintroduction of endangered and threatened wildlife and the Bronx is one of my favorites.  We have been going to the Bronx Zoo with friends every year for seven years, these last two trips have included V.  She went for the first time at 6-weeks-old.  This time she was actually able to see the animals in the exhibits and enjoy what she was seeing.  It was so wonderful to be able to experience the trip through her eyes, and I expect that the next few years of trips will be equally enlightening.

Things I love Thursday

Okay, yet another installation of Things I Love Thursday.  And if you're wondering, the reason I haven't added V to this list is because that's just too obvious. ;)

Ty Beanie Buddy - Chip the Cat: Otherwise known as "Kitty" in this family.  For years (but not in a very long time) every time I was really sick, my husband would bring home a Beanie Baby cat.  After a disastrous surgery, he brought home this kitty.  She is now one of V's favorite things in the entire world.  Kitty sleeps with us, goes on car rides with us, and is a wonderful distraction.  "Where's Kitty?" is a favorite game in this house.  We also have the Beanie Baby version, now known as "Kitten." But as much as we love Kitten, nothing beats Kitty.

Confessions of a Techno Junkie

It isn't very natural of me, but I love gadgets.  It is probably a good thing that I can't really afford them, or it would be easy for me to overload myself with gadgets and thingies and widgets galore.  I don't even own an iPod.  But today i traded in my birthday wish from my very cool parents and got a motorola Droid 2.  I haven't even begun to test the limits of this nifty little device and I already love it.  Right now I am listening to Pandora while I type this on the slide out qwerty keyboard. Love. Plus I get amazing photos on something that fits in my pocket, and I can stream most of my favorite NPR shows.  Perfection!

Things I Love Thursday

Time again for another "Things I Love Thursday" and this time I actually remembered to post. ;) So here goes...

Garlic:  I love garlic.  I am physically and psychologically incapable of using "one clove" of garlic in a recipe.  I measure garlic more by the head than the clove.  People should be happy I haven't started baking with garlic.  It is a main ingredient in most of my dinner dishes and my 13-month-old daughter eats garlic almost daily.  The fact that garlic can boost the immune system is purely bonus in my world, I just love everything about its flavor, fragrance, texture... I love that when I'm peeling and mincing it my fingers get sticky with garlic oil.  I definitely love garlic.

Autumn:  This is my favorite season.  Cooler weather, azure blue skies, Halloween, pumpkins, what's not to love?  I'm already debating Halloween costumes for V and I this year.

Bestform Nursing Tanks: I got a bunch of these from Walmart (yes, I have to admit to shopping at Walmart sometimes), and I love them.  I have several breastfeeding friendly bras that I almost never wear.  I live in a nursing tank.  I have even worn these without a shirt or cover and no one commented.  I wear a size large because I like the tank to be a little looser and they fit well even though they shrank a little in the dryer.

Garanimals:

Another confession, I buy Garanimals for V from Walmart on clearance because I can get tops and bottoms for $1.00, and they are really cute!  When I was pregnant I swore I'd never dress a baby girl (I didn't know if we were having a girl or boy until she was born) in all pink.  Well, never say never!  She does wear pink a lot, but more often then not I have her in purple.  I even have, yes, Garanimals shoes.

Maniac Mondays

I feel badly that I missed last week's Things I love Thursdays, but remembered to post to my Maniac Monday list... Now what does that say about me?

Okay so what makes my blood boil that I want to express this week?  Food Advertising.

Yup.  Food Advertising.  It isn't bad enough that we are bombarded by hundreds of advertisements a day, but the sheer amount of food advertising is enough to make anyone physically ill if you really look at them.  As anyone who knows me knows, I am a lacto-ovum vegetarian.  This means I eat vegetables, eggs and some dairy, and honey.  And to be honest, the vast majority of my meals are vegan just because.  I am raising V lacto-ovum vegetarian as well and truly hope that she stays that way as she becomes old enough to make her own choices.  I am a vegetarian for numerous reasons; health, environmental and ethical.  I admit that I am overweight due to lack of exercise, but as I mentioned before, I'm working on that with my new interest in hula hooping, and I have a 13-month-old to keep up with.  So anyway...

Food advertising is almost always about meat products, and even worse fast food more times than not.  Think about it;  Jimmy Dean Sausages, KFC, BK, McD's, Wendy's, Sonic, then there are the "Pork, the other white meat," "Beef, it's what's for dinner" ads.  There are sandwiches made with two fried chicken cutlets, bacon and cheese, pizzas with more meat than crust, and thousand calorie drink options.  Even the most recent fruit advertisement glorified it's huge carbon footprint.  Have you seen the new Chiquita Banana commercial? How is it that we are supposed to eat better and have good family time while doing while we are surrounded by these over salted, fatty, sugary or pesticide laden GMO non-foods all the time?

I am fighting against my own habits and trying to reduce salt and sugar consumption so I can be a better role model for V.  I started the first step nine years ago when I stopped eating beef, pork and poultry, and then continued five years ago when I stopped eating fish and seafood.  Now I have reduced my table salt usage, stopped putting sugar on cereal, and tried adding flax and chia seeds to my meals to reduce hunger and clean out my system.  I have fed V entirely on breastmilk and real foods that we prepare, such as organic fruits and vegetables (locally sourced if possible), brown rice, organic wheat pasta and puffed grain cereal.  But what about when she can start choosing her own food?  Will the groundwork I have laid so carefully over the last year last in spite of the pervasive advertising and ease of horrible food choices?  Obviously I cannot answer that question for a few years.  In the mean time, I think I will use the DVR option as often as possible to avoid those terrible pieces of visual garbage.

Continuation of my rant against the Pearls...

As I posted last night, Mike and Debi Pearl are currently on my bad list for suggesting "child training" methods from birth that are extreme to say the least.  The following is the question and response I was originally exposed to, with my underlinings and highlighting to illustrate that which is disturbing and truly frightening... My comments are in parenthesis and purple after any notations.

Dear Pearls,

My 4-year-old has a big problem when she needs to get spanked. She bucks, screams as loud as she can, turns red, and thrashes around. It is unbelievable how she acts, and it is very tiring. Consequently, she gets fewer spankings. She is usually a good kid except when she is pouty. (Honestly, I think pouting is not the worlds greatest offense, and cannot see why spanking should be a response for pouting.)

Seeking wise counsel,

Mama

Hi Mike and Debi,

I have a question about my 3-year-old. When my husband or I need to speak to her about her bad behavior she seems to become what I would describe as scared/shy/distant. She stands with one shoulder lifted to her chin and her chin pushed down into her shoulder, looking up at us as if we are going to give her the world’s worst rebuking. I sense anger or resentment on her part. (Probably because she doesn't want to be disciplined so harshly for being a child!) We are consistent to restore fellowship with her, (How can you rebuild trust after physically hitting your child?) and I do not believe she is reacting to us because of fear from our anger, because we address issues in a calm fashion. We have two younger children, and we want to get this problem addressed before it reflects on them.

Kim

Michael Answers

Dear Mama,

Since you admit that you have rewarded her behavior with fewer spankings, we must admit, she won—to her detriment. She’s not stupid. Spankings hurt. Your weak actions have strengthened her resolve and confirmed to her that she can limit your discipline.

Children (as well as adults) throw fits as a means of controlling the actions of others. (They also "throw fits" because they are tired, scared, ill, or just unable to communicate their desires, not just to manipulate those around them.) Your daughter screams and runs away because it works in reducing the pain. If throwing a fit caused more pain—not less—the child would wisely stop throwing fits. (If there was no pain to run from, she would likely not be throwing the fit and running away in the first place.) If running away from sweet, tender Mama with a little-bitty switch (How do "sweet, tender Mama" and "switch" go together?) meant running into a lion, she would welcome the switch as her savior. When you make resistance not only futile but contrary to her best interests, she will stop resisting.

Likewise, pouting is an expression of anger, designed to control those at whom it is directed. Children do it because it gets results—attention, compromise, and negotiation. Parents say of a pouty child, “I don’t want to upset her.” “Leave her alone; don’t get her started again.” When parents organize and manage a child so that pouting is counterproductive, the child will take up smiling as a method of getting her way.

When she screams or flees, calmly follow through by physically subduing her. Sit on her, if you have to, and slowly explain that you will not tolerate this resistance. Explain in a normal tone (She will eventually stop screaming and listen) that you are going to give her, say, five licks for the original offense and an additional two licks for the fit. (Because more violence is always a good idea.) Slowly apply the five licks, counting out loud. When I say slowly, I mean with a thirty second gap between each lick and a calm explanation to the screaming child that you are not the least impressed except that you are going to spank harder and she still gets the additional two licks plus one more for her ongoing screaming. (Torture the child, hit her harder for screaming in pain, teach her to repress and disassociate.) When you have finally arrived at five well- anticipated and carefully counted licks, say, “OK, your spanking is over; that is the five licks you got for hitting your brother, but now I must give you two more for trying to run away.” Give her one lick and say, “Now, that is one of the licks for running away; you have one more coming.” Give the second lick, and then calmly and slowly explain that all her licks are over now, except for the one additional lick she incurred for continuing to scream during the spanking. After you have finished, tell her that you are going to let her up now, if she stops screaming, otherwise you are going to give her one additional lick. If she stops, or at least makes a great effort to, then you have won. (Because child rearing is all about winning and losing, an ongoing battle with your offspring.) You may never have to go through this horrible time again. But, if she is continuing to scream in defiance, you have the option of continuing to warn and spank, or of ceasing here with a parting warning: “Next time you better not run and throw a fit; for if you do, you will only get more licks and harder ones.”

Finally, if you are not going to be consistent, give up now; don’t trouble yourself or torment the child by spanking her nine times and then giving in on the tenth time. Children are amazing in the memory and ability to endure spankings, waiting for that one moment of weakness to show through again. If you occasionally allow their fits to win the prize, like a gambler they will play the game all night, even when they are losing, because they know winning is possible.

It’s worth it. After about three days of absolute consistency on your part, you can initially conform a child to your will. They just have to be convinced that you are not the old negotiator. You are Iron Woman; The Indomitable. It’s the loving thing to do. (In my view, there is nothing loving about threatening, and coercing your child into mindless obedience. I would rather my daughter throw a screaming fit and we work through it with reason, patience and love, then have her smile and nod and be empty.)

Debi Answers

Dear Kim

Every child has their way of controlling their parents. One child will hold his breath and pass out, (This isn't actually possible.) while another will hit his head against the wall or pinch himself. As we read in another letter, the little girl’s wild fits seem to do the trick in controlling her mama. For the fit-pitcher we suggest that you, mama, slow down. When she starts pitching her wild fit, just hold her, talking all the time about how she needs to learn self-control and how silly she is acting. Explain to her as you hold her down that she will get 1 or 2 more licks every time she acts wild. While holding her tell her you are going to give her another lick in 2 minutes and give a running commentary on the time that remains; then tell her it will be 3 more minutes before the next lick. It will be an extremely trying, tiring, terrible time, but she will get the idea and she will also exhaust herself. (Make sure she is absolutely aware of the pain and torture that is coming, because psychological pain and terror is such a valuable training tool.) The object in life is to teach our children self-control. All self-control is tied together, whether it is in their emotional response, their eating habits, or anger. In order for a child to become a balanced individual, teaching them self-control is close to the top of the list.

The 3-year-old little girl’s pitiful stance is also working to control her mama and daddy. It is important to never allow your face to show concern over the scared look, but have a set rule of the number of licks she receives for certain offenses and one extra for looking pitiful. (Controlling even facial expressions is apparently very important, and worth a beating.) Too much rebuke (yaky-yak) provokes a child to wrath and steals all joy. A hard fast lick or two, a short admonishment, and then let it go and cheer up is the best training tool.

 I am so disgusted by these methods of controlling children and "teaching" them how to behave.  There is a difference between a well behaved child who knows that good actions and attitudes are positive and appreciated, and a blindly obedient child who smiles and nods and does the chores "cheerfully" in order to avoid a tortuous punishment.  We teach our children by example.  If you live life positively and with good actions, it is more than likely your child will grow up to be a positive member of society.  All children will push boundaries, get in screaming matches, and pout, our responses as parents will certainly affect how often those events occur.  If your three-year-old is screaming in the store because she just can't go on, perhaps she's so tired she feels ill, or is having trouble potty learning, or is overwhelmed by the people.  I would think leaving, and making sure she's not ill, or wet, or so overtired she needs a nap, would be a much better option than threatening her with physical torture.  How many people have switched their children on this couple's advice, only to be beating little ones for having an ear ache, or a stomach bug, or not enough sleep, or just for giving a funny look or exploring their environment?  How much abuse has been rationalized with these "training methods?"

Maniac Mondays

Like I mentioned before, I am no "expert" when it comes to child rearing, but I do have almost 13 months experience raising one delightful, spirited, sweet, gentle child and almost that long experience trusting my own instincts.  In that time I have been given, pointed toward, or stumbled across, some of the most vile "advice" given to parents I could imagine.  I actually get physically ill sometimes when I read a particularly horrid suggestion, or hear a story from a stricken mother about what she has been told.  As a sort of purging, I opt to share not all the details, but some, of what makes my blood boil. 

"Child (or Baby) Training" 

Yes, you heard right.  Training.  Like they are little ponies to be lead around on a halter and lead line.  How to make your offspring the most obedient and pliable automaton around.  This particular horror comes in many guises, the most common being "sleep training" with versions like "Ferberization" or "Cry it Out."  

If you weren't aware, I co-sleep with V.  She falls asleep when she's ready (most of the time while breastfeeding) and then I either carry her to bed and put her down for a nap, or put her on blankets on the floor, or go to bed with her.  If it is "nap time" which is anywhere between noon and 3:00pm most days, she will likely sleep for two hours, three if she's had a rough time with teething.  If it is "bed time" she will probably rouse herself a bit to breastfeed, then wake two to four times throughout the night for breastfeeding, with maybe a diaper change or two if she had too much water too late in the day.  Otherwise she will sleep until 8:30am at least.  Sometimes she will sleep as late as 10:00am.  Do I worry?  No.  She is just shy of 13-months-old, I'm a SAHM, she doesn't have to be anywhere first thing in the morning and I'm letting her respond to her body's needs.  Yes on occasion I try to get her down for a nap earlier than later, or I have to wake her in the morning, but mostly I just let her follow her own rhythms.  And it works great.  At night I snuggle up close to her, or we sleep back to back, and we both sleep deeply and comfortably knowing the other is there.  

I've been co-sleeping with V since she was about 1 week old.  I had listened to the doctor's advice and put her in her crib with a monitor and had my heart broken over and over and over as she screamed and cried and made it very clear that that was not what she wanted.  Why should she?  She spent 9 1/2 months inside me, warmed by my body, soothed by my heart, calmed by my voice, why would she automatically want to sleep by herself?  As adults we look for that person we want to share our beds with, why do we expect our infants to sleep by themselves?  When I publicly mentioned that I was co-sleeping I was told by a well-meaning and loving friend that I could kill her in the night.  Truthfully, less babies are killed in co-sleeping situations, than die alone in a crib every year.  I took precautions, listened to my heart and hers and slept.  The first time I laid down and let her breastfeed while in a side lying position, I wept with joy.  The relief, comfort, and love, was so overwhelming and pure, that was what was meant to be.  I told my husband that night that she was going to sleep with me, we would make arrangements to make it safe, and that was that. 

The sleep trainers would have you believe that what I have done is "create bad habits."  That I have trained V to be dependent on me as a "sleep prop" to get to sleep and that I should break her (yes "break her") of this bad habit as soon as possible by abandoning her in a crib on her own for anywhere from several minutes to all night depending from who you get your (bad) advice. 

I do not believe that there has ever been a healthy happy child who went to high school, much less college, still wanting to sleep with, or breastfeed, from Mommy.  

Even worse than the sleep training advocates, are those who believe you must train your children from the moment they are born to obey you at all costs.  

I was recently introduced to the Pearls (No Greater Joy Ministries) through a group I'm a member of on Facebook.  I was horrified, appalled, nauseated, by what I read.  This husband and wife team of God Loving (fearing?) Evangelists, with no formal child rearing education (but five children of their own), advocate child training from day one, including using a switch to spank a child for misbehaving. The following is an excerpt written by Debi Pearl, I have underlined the scary parts, and highlighted the disturbing ones...

“Please give examples of the kinds of things for which you used the rod, both as a training tool and as punishment, for children were under 12 months.” (question posed by one of their followers)

We never used the rod to punish a child younger than 12 months. You should read No Greater Joy Volume One and Volume Two. We discussed this subject several times in those two books. For young children, especially during the first year, the rod is used very lightly as a training tool. You use something small and light to get the child’s attention and to reinforce your command. One or two light licks on the bare legs or arms will cause a child to stop in his tracks and regard your commands. A 12-inch piece of weed eater chord works well as a beginner rod. It will fit in your purse or pocket. 

Later, a plumber's supply line is a good spanking tool. You can get it at Wal-Mart or any hardware store. Ask for a plastic, ¼ inch, supply line. They come in different lengths and several colors; so you can have a designer rod to your own taste. They sell for less than $1.00. A baby needs to be trained all day, everyday. It should be a cheerful, directing training, not a correction training. If a 10-month-old plays in the dirt in the flowerpot, a simple swat to the hand accompanied with the command “No,” said in a cheerful but authoritative voice, should be sufficient.

When your 6-month-old baby grabs sister’s hair, while he still has a hand full of hair, swat his hand or arm and say “No, that hurts sister.” If he has already let go of her hair, then put his hand back on her hair, so as to engage his mind in the former action, and then carry on with the hand swatting and the command. If you found your baby trying to stick something in the electrical receptacle, keep his hand on the object and near the receptacle while giving him a few swats on the back of the offending hand, and this to the sound of your rebuke—“No, don't touch, No, don't touch.” This time he needs to cry and be upset.

If your 10-month-old is pitching a fit because he wants to be picked up, then you must reinforce your command with a few stinging swats. You are not punishing him; you are causing him to associate his negative behavior with negative consequences. Never reward bad behavior with indifference. Tell the baby “No” and give him a swat. If your response is new, he may be offended and scream louder. But continue your normal activities as if you are unaffected. Wait one minute, and then tell the baby to stop crying. If he doesn’t, again swat him on his bare legs. You don’t need to undress him, turn him over, or make a big deal out of it. Just swat him where any skin is exposed. Continue to act as if you don’t notice the fit. Wait two minutes and repeat. Continue until the baby realizes that this is getting worse not better. Most babies will keep it going for 3 or 4 times and then slide to a sitting position and sob it out. When this happens, it signals a surrender, so give him two minutes to get control and then swoop him up as if the fit never happen and give him a big hug, BUT don't hold him in the manner he was demanding. Now remove yourself from the area so as to remove him from association with the past event.

Don’t ever hit a small child with your hand. You are too big and the baby is too small. The surface of the skin is where the most nerves are located and where it is easiest to cause pain without any damage to the child. The weight of your hand does little to sting the skin, but can cause bruising or serious damage internally. Babies need training but they do not need to be punished. Never react in anger or frustration. If you loose it, get your self under control before you attempt to discipline a child.

I honestly cannot stomach the thought of using a switch on my daughter to keep her from playing in the dirt in a flower pot.  Seriously.  Today she tried to eat dead leaves while we were outside watching the late summer butterflies.  Should I have spanked her with irrigation tubing for doing that?  I don't believe so.  She has recently discovered the joy of investigating electrical sockets.  This is not a good thing.  My response is always distraction and redirection.  I don't see the point in hitting her.  She won't relate my hitting her with the electrical socket, she'll just know that I hit her, and I never want her to fear me. 

New Name, New Focus

I changed the name of this blog to Adventures in Natural Mothering today because I realized that this is really what I'm doing.  Yes, I try to be frugal and I definitely try to be ecologically minded, but more than anything I want to follow my instincts when it comes to raising V.  I find that there is so much horrible "advice" out there telling, even ordering, parents to go against their instincts and in some cases actively harm their children!  I refuse to be silent about these sickening management "techniques" for raising our  babies and children.  I am not an expert, but I'm willing to discuss, examine, and share what I'm learning every day with V as my guide.

Things I Love Thursday

I was inspired by a facebook friend to start a "Things I Love Thursday" post weekly, on Thursdays.  Hopefully this will help me keep more involved with this blog.

So here goes my first TILT post:

Word World: I tried for about a year to minimize V's television exposure, but even though the AAP says no TV for two years, I had to break down and find something that wouldn't warp her little brain too much.  I LOVE this silly show.  I know it's for a slightly older child who is starting to read, but in the mean time it is sweet, has music she dances too, and keeps me amused.

Stellaluna Board Book: When V got this for her first birthday, I was so jazzed. This is one of my absolute favorite children's stories (and yes, I own a Stellaluna stuffed animal), but my copy has paper pages which she would tear. This allows me to read this to her every night in a durable fashion that she can turn the pages without damaging it.


Hula Hooping: I'm a new convert to the joys of hula hooping.  I now own four waist sized hoops and two sets of arm hoops and I'm hoping to make more.  This appeals to the lazy exerciser in me because I don't have to go to a gym or do lots of prep to get a good workout.  The performer in me is looking forward to getting good enough to hoop dance in public.  And someday I might even play with fire hoops!

Grilled Vegetables: I've only started grilling this year, and as a vegetarian I'm obviously not going to be grilling steak.  I learned with asparagus and have now graduated to eggplant and tomato. YUMMY

Dr. Bronner's Baby Mild Castille Soap:

This is my all purpose, clean everything, wash the baby, body, hair, love this stuff like crazy, soap. I've even stopped buying shampoo.  Love it, love it, love it, love it. 

I suppose that's enough Things I Love for this Thursday.  Hopefully I'll remember to post again next week. And maybe I'll try to stop in again before then too! 

Where did the time go?

So not only is my baby girl one-year-old, but she is almost 13-months-old! Where did the time go?

We did throw a party to celebrate her first birthday and my father graciously hosted it using his account at Restaurant Depot to save us money.  I opted for a veggie heavy menu with some cold cuts, breaded eggplant and meatballs to round out the sandwich options.  We also had a minimally successful salad bar.  There were wonderful friends and family and lots of children and we had a wonderful time.  Decorations were all recycled from previous events.  We did purchase some napkins and biodegradable dishes and glasses, and used the stainless steel picnic ware my parents have had for years. All in all, it was a wonderful time that I will remember for ever.

Enjoying her vegan, sugar-free applesauce carrot cake.

Since her birthday I have been enjoying the world of hula hooping! A friend bought me an exercise hoop and arm hoop set from Canyonhoops.com and I have since made several hoops from materials found at Lowes.  Hooping is fun, healthy, fairly low cost (especially once you start making several), and did I mention fun?