"Child (or Baby) Training"
Yes, you heard right. Training. Like they are little ponies to be lead around on a halter and lead line. How to make your offspring the most obedient and pliable automaton around. This particular horror comes in many guises, the most common being "sleep training" with versions like "Ferberization" or "Cry it Out."
If you weren't aware, I co-sleep with V. She falls asleep when she's ready (most of the time while breastfeeding) and then I either carry her to bed and put her down for a nap, or put her on blankets on the floor, or go to bed with her. If it is "nap time" which is anywhere between noon and 3:00pm most days, she will likely sleep for two hours, three if she's had a rough time with teething. If it is "bed time" she will probably rouse herself a bit to breastfeed, then wake two to four times throughout the night for breastfeeding, with maybe a diaper change or two if she had too much water too late in the day. Otherwise she will sleep until 8:30am at least. Sometimes she will sleep as late as 10:00am. Do I worry? No. She is just shy of 13-months-old, I'm a SAHM, she doesn't have to be anywhere first thing in the morning and I'm letting her respond to her body's needs. Yes on occasion I try to get her down for a nap earlier than later, or I have to wake her in the morning, but mostly I just let her follow her own rhythms. And it works great. At night I snuggle up close to her, or we sleep back to back, and we both sleep deeply and comfortably knowing the other is there.
I've been co-sleeping with V since she was about 1 week old. I had listened to the doctor's advice and put her in her crib with a monitor and had my heart broken over and over and over as she screamed and cried and made it very clear that that was not what she wanted. Why should she? She spent 9 1/2 months inside me, warmed by my body, soothed by my heart, calmed by my voice, why would she automatically want to sleep by herself? As adults we look for that person we want to share our beds with, why do we expect our infants to sleep by themselves? When I publicly mentioned that I was co-sleeping I was told by a well-meaning and loving friend that I could kill her in the night. Truthfully, less babies are killed in co-sleeping situations, than die alone in a crib every year. I took precautions, listened to my heart and hers and slept. The first time I laid down and let her breastfeed while in a side lying position, I wept with joy. The relief, comfort, and love, was so overwhelming and pure, that was what was meant to be. I told my husband that night that she was going to sleep with me, we would make arrangements to make it safe, and that was that.
The sleep trainers would have you believe that what I have done is "create bad habits." That I have trained V to be dependent on me as a "sleep prop" to get to sleep and that I should break her (yes "break her") of this bad habit as soon as possible by abandoning her in a crib on her own for anywhere from several minutes to all night depending from who you get your (bad) advice.
I do not believe that there has ever been a healthy happy child who went to high school, much less college, still wanting to sleep with, or breastfeed, from Mommy.
Even worse than the sleep training advocates, are those who believe you must train your children from the moment they are born to obey you at all costs.
I was recently introduced to the Pearls (No Greater Joy Ministries) through a group I'm a member of on Facebook. I was horrified, appalled, nauseated, by what I read. This husband and wife team of God Loving (fearing?) Evangelists, with no formal child rearing education (but five children of their own), advocate child training from day one, including using a switch to spank a child for misbehaving. The following is an excerpt written by Debi Pearl, I have underlined the scary parts, and highlighted the disturbing ones...
“Please give examples of the kinds of things for which you used the rod, both as a training tool and as punishment, for children were under 12 months.” (question posed by one of their followers)
We never used the rod to punish a child younger than 12 months. You should read No Greater Joy Volume One and Volume Two. We discussed this subject several times in those two books. For young children, especially during the first year, the rod is used very lightly as a training tool. You use something small and light to get the child’s attention and to reinforce your command. One or two light licks on the bare legs or arms will cause a child to stop in his tracks and regard your commands. A 12-inch piece of weed eater chord works well as a beginner rod. It will fit in your purse or pocket.
Later, a plumber's supply line is a good spanking tool. You can get it at Wal-Mart or any hardware store. Ask for a plastic, ¼ inch, supply line. They come in different lengths and several colors; so you can have a designer rod to your own taste. They sell for less than $1.00. A baby needs to be trained all day, everyday. It should be a cheerful, directing training, not a correction training. If a 10-month-old plays in the dirt in the flowerpot, a simple swat to the hand accompanied with the command “No,” said in a cheerful but authoritative voice, should be sufficient.
When your 6-month-old baby grabs sister’s hair, while he still has a hand full of hair, swat his hand or arm and say “No, that hurts sister.” If he has already let go of her hair, then put his hand back on her hair, so as to engage his mind in the former action, and then carry on with the hand swatting and the command. If you found your baby trying to stick something in the electrical receptacle, keep his hand on the object and near the receptacle while giving him a few swats on the back of the offending hand, and this to the sound of your rebuke—“No, don't touch, No, don't touch.” This time he needs to cry and be upset.
If your 10-month-old is pitching a fit because he wants to be picked up, then you must reinforce your command with a few stinging swats. You are not punishing him; you are causing him to associate his negative behavior with negative consequences. Never reward bad behavior with indifference. Tell the baby “No” and give him a swat. If your response is new, he may be offended and scream louder. But continue your normal activities as if you are unaffected. Wait one minute, and then tell the baby to stop crying. If he doesn’t, again swat him on his bare legs. You don’t need to undress him, turn him over, or make a big deal out of it. Just swat him where any skin is exposed. Continue to act as if you don’t notice the fit. Wait two minutes and repeat. Continue until the baby realizes that this is getting worse not better. Most babies will keep it going for 3 or 4 times and then slide to a sitting position and sob it out. When this happens, it signals a surrender, so give him two minutes to get control and then swoop him up as if the fit never happen and give him a big hug, BUT don't hold him in the manner he was demanding. Now remove yourself from the area so as to remove him from association with the past event.
Don’t ever hit a small child with your hand. You are too big and the baby is too small. The surface of the skin is where the most nerves are located and where it is easiest to cause pain without any damage to the child. The weight of your hand does little to sting the skin, but can cause bruising or serious damage internally. Babies need training but they do not need to be punished. Never react in anger or frustration. If you loose it, get your self under control before you attempt to discipline a child.
I honestly cannot stomach the thought of using a switch on my daughter to keep her from playing in the dirt in a flower pot. Seriously. Today she tried to eat dead leaves while we were outside watching the late summer butterflies. Should I have spanked her with irrigation tubing for doing that? I don't believe so. She has recently discovered the joy of investigating electrical sockets. This is not a good thing. My response is always distraction and redirection. I don't see the point in hitting her. She won't relate my hitting her with the electrical socket, she'll just know that I hit her, and I never want her to fear me.
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