Sometimes all you can do is light a candle

Lower Macungie woman reported missing, possibly endangered

Missing woman's death ruled homicide

Homicide victim's family establishes memorial fund to benefit animals

I'm having a very hard time processing Jenn's murder.  Both my husband and I have really fond memories of such a sweet person who we really liked and wanted to kick my co-worker for breaking up with her.  I could have easily become really good friends with Jenn had the situation been different. It doesn't help my ability to digest this that she was going to go to her first pregnancy ultrasound the morning after she disappeared. Apparently she was really excited about being pregnant. All the authorities will say is that her killing was "not random." What a cold description for a life violently destroyed. "not random." They said that the public at large is not in danger. What kind of statement is that? 

Tonight when my husband got home from work I almost immediately asked him if I could just take a shower by myself, if he could watch V and I could take a shower. We have limited resources so I avoid using the hot water as much as possible, but I just needed a shower. Of course he said yes. I pulled out the body wash I haven't used in years because it isn't made anymore, and I love the smell but want to keep it for "special." I thought it would make me feel better. I even used it in my hair. I listened to Pandora radio really loud and "What a Wonderful World" played twice in the time I was in the shower. First the Louis Armstrong version, then the Israel “IZ” Kamakawiwo’ole version just a few songs later. I put my forehead against the side of my shower, cupped my hands around the side of my face and just cried. But it feels like the dark is stuck in my throat and the sobs won't, can't move it. It feels like I don't have the right to grieve a woman I barely knew and haven't seen in years.  It feels like I've brought my daughter into a very dark world where nothing is safe and I don't know how to protect her.

I wanted to do a cleansing/protecting/keep everything out type ceremony today or tonight to capture the strength of the change of season and make myself feel more active and less passive. All I could do was sit outside while V collected twigs and I burned them in a small cast iron cauldron under my ancient maple tree and watched the smoke drift less aimlessly than I feel.  I wondered briefly if she is really "at peace" or if she exists at all anymore.  All I do know is that her potential is gone.  Her baby's potential is gone.  At least in this life. 

I talked to my mother this afternoon. We both have had murderous impulses where would could actually feel physically how it would feel to make that killing blow. I got two thirds of the way up the staircase with the antique chef's knife in my hand before turning around and putting it carefully away so no one would know I had taken it. But we had good reasons for wanting that person dead.  There can't be a good reason for Jenn's death.  My mother pointed out that the killer had a reason, we just don't know what it is, and we won't agree with it, but that person believed it was valid.  And if I can, I should try to find some bit of compassion for that person.  Knowing I can't, she will do it for me.  This is where I stumble in the Seven Principles of Unitarian Universalism.  I can't find Inherent Worth and Dignity in a person who would do this.  That's the first Principle.  Seems I start out stumbling...

Right now I don't know how to catch myself, which makes me feel more guilty because this shouldn't be about me.  I'm not the victim.  I barely knew Jenn.  I hadn't thought of her in ages. Ironically I had recently flashed on a memory of her at our Halloween party several years ago, she wore a very sexy bustier... Now I'm wondering when I thought that, was she alive? I can't remember when I remembered her, I only know I did. And now, that's all I can do.

I lit a candle this morning and said her name to a room full of people who didn't know her. Now at least they will know her name.  It is a symbol, a figment, a wisp.  Please let it be something. After I lit the candle, I posted to facebook the only thing I could think of. 

"Sometimes all you can do is light a candle.  Sometimes that is enough."

Is this some time? Because I don't feel like there is enough.

But I'm going to say her name to you. And maybe you will remember it, and with it a bit of her. A sweet, kind, generous young woman who loved animals and was excited to be a new mother.

Jennifer Lindsay Snyder should not be forgotten.