"More More More More"

I am having one of those days.  I am trying to revise (again, for the umpteenth time) my resume and craft a fantabulous cover letter to illustrate exactly how my varied skills make me the perfect candidate for an office manager position at a college.  In the mean time, V has decided that she absolutely needs me right now all the time RIGHT NOW and is not only nursing like crazy (teething much?) but also climbing all over me, the furniture, the dining room table and the cats.  Darling Hubby had made lots of promises about having the weekend to do "stuff" and then went off to work on his landscaping gig ALL DAY.  And of course V has not napped and keeps shouting "MORE MORE MORE MORE" in my ear. 

I have HAD IT!

I know this moment will pass and I will have the mommy guilt in spades, but right now at this moment in time, I want the Goblin King to come and take this child away RIGHT NOW!

No really, I do.  I am sick to my stomach with the frustration and contained GRRR that I am trying to not show her.  I know she's just being a teething, exploring toddler and doesn't mean to drive Mama into a long walk off a short pier.  In fact, she's a wonderful exceptional child that I am totally in love with, but right now, I want a shower, a third huge mug of coffee and a BREAK!

And people wonder why I'm not firing off a dozen applications at a time.  Because it has taken me FIVE HOURS to get halfway through one cover letter. *sob*

Frustrated, Tired, and Silly

I need to get a job.  It is no secret that Hubby and I are, and have been, in serious financial difficulty.  I have been applying off an on for over a year and keeping an eye on the job postings at CareerBuilder.com looking for anything in my field(s) that is part-time and not too taxing.  I want to use the bulk of my brain power in taking care of V.

I had a really wonderful and heartening interview last week at a local wireless retailer.  I felt very strongly that I was going to be offered the position.

I have called the store five times, left two messages for the manager and have received no response.  I guess I'm to believe I will not be offered the position.

On top of a whole lot of other stresses in my life, this rejection without the decency to actually tell me that I was not what they wanted (after I was clearly told I was exactly what they wanted) sent me into a bit of a tailspin.  I always teeter on the edge of depression and keep my claws dug into sanity, but I couldn't hold on anymore for a few days this week.  I stopped painting, I couldn't figure out what to cook for dinner, and I went on a crazy scrubbing spree on the kitchen (okay that's not a bad thing).  I also couldn't write or clearly express my depression at how this turned out.  I am 35-years-old and have been out of the job force for a little over a year and a half.  And I'm a mother.  A mother of a toddler.  I'm not an engineer or mechanical professional, my degree is a BA.  In this economic environment I am almost unhireable.  Even my mother, who does hire people, admits that mothers of young children are discriminated against all the time. 

I revise my resume at least weekly and have it saved to CareerBuilder.com and weed through the scams that get sent to my email almost daily.  I make my searches and applications when I can in between diaper changes, colouring, baths, playing with blocks and dolls, picking up cats, and cat puke, doing the dishes/laundry/litter boxes, reading Dr. Seuss, watching sign language dvds, checking the news, writing to congress/the President/NY Times, signing petitions, breaking up cat fights, getting V down for a nap, trying to get her to eat something other than raisins, and occasionally crying.

And yet, I feel all the time as though I am not doing enough.  I know I'm not contributing the financial security of my household, but I am basically running the household, but that's not enough.

But V is silly a lot, and that brings smiles to my super tired face.

Bringing a baby doll, Sally Rag Doll and two satin drawstring bags, to bed.

Watch your mouth!

I am fan of Rescue Ink's facebook page because I really respect what these guys (yes they are all men) are doing.  Today they linked to a youtube video showing a very heartless and abusive shelter administrator and animal control officers.  It was bad, trust me.  I initially wrote a comment supporting Rescue Ink for investigating this act of cruelty and expressing that while black humor is very common in these situations, this particular example was over the top and needed to be investigated.

I went back to the thread later because several people had "liked" my comment (thank you) and started reading other supporters statements.  This is when I started to get angry.  People were rightfully disturbed by the actions of those in the video and emotions were running high, which is to be expected.  However, they were stooping to the lowest methods of expressing themselves and using broad derogatory terms to describe the suspects.  I will quote my response instead of going through this comment by comment...

I'd just like to comment that in addition to the callus comments and harsh handling of the kitten, the one male officer also makes sexually suggestive gestures when he sees the camera, indicative of a hostile work environment.

And I think w...e can all support and appreciate all the effort Rescue Ink is putting into ending this type of behavior without stooping calling the suspects in the video "faggot, fat, ugly...." These are not helpful ways to approach the situation. Whether or not a person is fat, gay or not traditionally attractive has nothing to do with their actions toward animals. I know these situations raise emotions and words sometimes fail us, but we have to be aware of how we are expressing ourselves.

/mommy moment...

Several people have "liked" that comment as well, but I think it needs to be said, that when we are angry it can be hard to watch what we say, but some things are simply not okay ever.  Using "faggot" as a derogatory term for an individual, even if you aren't implying that they are homosexual is NOT OKAY. A "faggot" is a bundle of kindling used to start of a fire, then it became a term for the homosexuals tied around a condemned witch so that they could all burn and go to hell. "Fat and ugly" is NOT OKAY to describe someone with whom you do not agree.  These usages just continue violence and hatred toward people even if that wasn't the original user's intent.

Watch your mouth!

Attempting to paint

a not so great portrait of Ambrose Gallifrey

A not so great portrait of Ambrose Gallifrey

This afternoon I had V painting with her Crayola Tempera paints in the tub, a great place for toddler creativity.  After she was cleaned up and the shower washed down we went on with our day, but there was paint left behind in the pallet I had made up for her.  Tonight I played around with the leftovers on water colour paper with our cat Ambrose as a model.  He left before I was finished and I haven't painted in at least two years, so it is not good.  But it is a start.

V silliness

So V is in a GREAT mood this morning.  Slept really well and late, woke up playing, that kind of morning that should be engraved in one's heart and mind and memory for all time. After playing with a musical card she got for Valentine's day that made her giggle like mad, she asked for "more" (her word for nursing) and crawled into my lap. I expected she would nurse for two seconds and be off and running. What I did not expect was for her to latch on, but start tickling my belly and giggling. So I started to giggle, so she laughed harder and tickled more, and I laughed harder until tears were running down my face and she buried her head in my ribs and belly laughed. She's the only person in the entire world allowed to tickle me, and I want to start every day like this...<3

The next time she hopped into my lap for "MORE!" today, she pointed to the other breast and said "it's a boobie!" I had to ask her again what she said (because she was talking around the nipple she was using) and she popped off and said "BOOBIE!"

All my work to try and avoid her using that word defeated by the men in my life. "Bobbing for boobies" has been my father's response to her rooting since day one. And even my husband refers to her "num-nums" as boobies. Oh well. 

The things I've been writing lately...

On March 9th a horrific article was published in the NY Times regarding the gang rape of an 11-year-old girl. This article clearly blamed the victim and her family for the rape and inspired me to write two letters.  The first to Mr. McKinley who wrote the article, and the second to the Public Editor of the NY Times.  I've posted each of these letters below...

Dear Mr. Mckinley,

I have just finished reading your article entitled "Vicious Assault Shakes Texas Town" and I have been inspired to write to you due to my deep disappointment and visceral disgust in the way the story was handled.

I would like to believe that you stated so little about the victim other than her age, gender, clothing/makeup and associates in an effort to protect her identity. However, in publishing the comments about her appearance, and that she "dressed older than her age, wearing makeup and fashions more appropriate to a woman in her 20s" you have subtly painted her as somehow complicit in her own assault. By quoting individuals who are more concerned about the boys who will "have to live with this the rest of their lives" you have made the rapists the victims. The victim in this situation is the child who was raped. This is a gang act of pedophilia and these men and teenagers chose to participate or not report these assaults on a child. Also the whereabouts of her mother are irrelevant. The child, and her mother, are not to be blamed for what happened here. It is writing such as this that has allowed a pervasive rape culture in our country to make it difficult and sometimes impossible for women to protect themselves or go to authorities to report assault without immediately becoming suspects in their own rapes. And that is for grown women, this is an 11-year-old child!

I want you to re-read your article with the eyes of that girl, her family and her friends. Shame Mr. Mckinley, you have victimized that little girl again with your words.

Sincerely, 

*signature*

And here is the letter to the Public Editor: 

Dear Mr. Brisbane,

I am writing to you in response to the article "Vicious Assault Shakes Texas Town" by James C. McKinley Jr. I have also written directly to Mr. McKinley.

I am sure you are aware of the nature of the article in that an 11-year-old child was brutally raped by numerous teenagers and adults in a Texas neighborhood. That this occurred at all is tragic and understandably would devastate any community. However, in reading Mr. McKinley's article, it is not the vicious assault on the child that appears to be the tragedy, but the effect it will have on her attackers. Comments such as, "if the allegations are proved, how could their young men have been drawn into such an act?" and “These boys have to live with this the rest of their lives.” make the rapists the victims and the little girl the cause of their downfall. By describing the child as "dressed older than her age, wearing makeup and fashions more appropriate to a woman in her 20s" he implies that she somehow is complicit in her own assault. The townspeople quoted are rallying around "their" boys and accusing the victim and Mr. McKinley is continuing that inappropriate attitude with his choice of quotes and comments.

This is an 11-year-old child who has been brutally, viciously, repeatedly raped by numerous teenagers and boys who chose to assault her. They are not the victims, she is. I am appalled that this article was published as it was. I implored Mr. McKinley to re-read the article through the victim's eyes, and the eyes of her family and friends because he has victimized her all over again.

I am disgusted on behalf of that poor child, and rape victims everywhere who are blamed for the crimes against them. This article has perpetrated the rape culture that allows men and boys to assault women and children and get away with it while their victims are made suspects. It is very difficult for a grown woman to report her own rape for fear she will be investigated as complicit in the crimes against herself, how must this child and her family feel as she is repeatedly assaulted, first with rape, now with words.

Sincerely, 

*signature*

I have not received any response from either Mr. McKinley or Mr. Brisbane and do not expect to as they have denied that there is anything wrong with the way this article was published.  This case is keeping me up at night and inspiring me to hold and cuddle V even more than usual (if that is at all possible).  I hope and pray to all the powers that may or not be that when she grows up, this world is safer for her than it is for girls and women right now. 

Writing, but not here, or in my journal, so does it count?

I've been writing a lot the last few days. I wrote letters to the Public Editor of the NY Times, as well as one of that paper's authors. I have written comments on other blog posts. I have long lists of comments on facebook... The question I ask myself is, do these count if im not blogging in my own space or maintaining the journal I write to V? And I have to say, probably not. I absolutely have to work harder at writing, and drawing and painting and feeding my artistic self as much as I feed my daughter. Especially since I am likely going back to work outside the home in an industry I don't really feel passionately about. More on that later. In the mean time, i am debating changing the name of this space, yet again, to try and reflect all of me and better inspire me to keep up with it. Wish me luck.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7